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At the opening of the movie AVATAR, Jake Sully has suffered a critical spinal chord injury that leaves him a paraplegic. No longer able to satisfy his commitment as a combat marine, and because the military won’t pay for an operation to rehabilitate his legs — that is, to return him to his former self — Jake volunteers for a specialized military mission to the planet Pandora. Through the miracle of technology, he learns to mentally link with and inhabit an “avatar” or alternative physical self on that planet. In contrast to his paraplegic self, this avatar is healthy, robust and stands ten feet tall, with enormous physical might and sensory capabilities beyond those of humans. Embodying this avator allows Jake not only to reclaim the capacities he lost but also to exceed his human potential. His experience on Pandora ultimately proves to be more real, more important to him than his actual life; at the movie’s end, he finds a way to transcend his human physical damage and move for good to the world of his superior Na’vi self.

This story perfectly exemplifies a dynamic I’ve seen with many clients, where they feel themselves to be so damaged, so filled with toxic shame that they desire to escape into the world of fantasy and become another person entirely. Avoidance of authentic, realistic relationships is strong; instead, they hunger for a perfect relationship with an idealized partner. The Internet has enabled many men and women to pursue and act out this fantasy — in virtual form only, of course, and transiently.

A number of years ago, back when chat rooms and bulletin boards were first in vogue, one of my patients became obsessed with the world of online “relationships”. A short, slightly overweight and physically average gay man in his mid-30s, David suffered from extremely low self-esteem. His family background was deeply troubled; his sister had committed suicide in her late teens. Not long after her death, David dropped out of college, never was able to find and apply himself to any significant career and had spent most of his adult life either supported by his mother and father or working in menial retail jobs. Despite a profound desire for one, he’d never had a relationship of any length; instead, he tended to become fixated upon unavailable men, extraordinarily attractive and successful members of the ‘A’ Gay social world, as he called it. Frequently he developed subservient relationships with these people: he’d try to win their love and affection by “doing” for them. Invariably, they’d exploit him, stirring up feelings of resentment on his part. Eventualy there’d be an violent confrontation that usually brought an end to the friendship. David was a deeply unhappy and lonely man.

When he learned about Internet chat rooms, he found a method to become in fantasy the person he’d always longed to be. As I gather is often the case in anonymous online “relationships”, he utterly misrepresented himself. The online David was younger, taller and thinner than the real one; he had a dynamic career and drove a better car, owned his own home … you get the picture. Often these relationships moved from the Internet to the telephone; he took great joy in “meeting” these strangers and getting to know them through extended conversations. They’d eventually make plans to get together; he’d re-schedule at the last minute and postpone the date as long as possible. Eventually he’d either be gone from the other man’s life, or make a humiliated confession and beg off.

David was burdened with excruciating toxic shame. Because he couldn’t bear that shame and how he felt about his own damage, avoidance of real relationships was inevitable.

Joseph Burgo PhD writes a psychotherapy blog for individuals who want to continue to grow and learn more about relationship difficulties after the end of psychotherapy.

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